Sun and Blood
by scapenova
Summary: Sam struggles with the pain and guilt that follows O'Neill's death in the line of duty. She goes on a steady downhill spiral, despite all the support sg1 gives her.


**Chapter 1 - The Sun in the Stream**

It was all so beautiful... beyond anything she could have imagined in her wildest dreams. The air had an almost magical feeling to it... the golden sun bathed everything it touched in a brilliant, mystical golden light. Soft, tender white blossoms floated down gently through the air as lightly as feathers. The ground seemed literally covered in the white... and yet tragedy marred it all. The beauty of everything made it all that much more horrible to bear. Lovely celtic music played in the background, a mournful yet haunting beautiful song by Enya as cars slowly filed past through the sunkissed twilight haze.

Pain wrenched through Samantha Carter's chest like knives and constricted her breathing like a huge vice bent on killing her. Suddenly unable to breathe, she dropped her head and wrapped both arms around herself in a desperate attempt to keep from shattering into a million pieces- shaking while silent tears fell running down her cheeks. She almost welcomed it, any sensation right now was a way to try and ignore the terrible numbness that seeped into being whenever she allowed it to. Lifting a face streaked with tears, she stared in blurred mourning as a long, solid black car slipped silently past.

"Oh God, Jack..."

A hand gently taking her elbow startled Sam into tearing her gaze from her life being taken away. Looking over her shoulder at the man standing slightly behind her, she struggled to smile. "Daniel."

"Sam, it's.." Daniel Jackson choked on his own words and squeezed her shoulder gently, but with strength to let her know he was there."You're not alone."

She knew what he'd been about to say. "_It's okay_." But he'd stopped. And he was right to, because nothing was okay. For the past week, the colonel's life had been twisted into a hellish nightmare that seemed she would never wake up from. And right now she almost wished it was a nightmare... because that meant soon she would wake up, and this would all be a horrible, twisted mistake of a joke. Jack O'Neill couldn't be dead, it had always seemed impossible to her. Something the team, O'Neill in paticular, had always joked about. The day _Jack would get blasted by the dozens angry goa'uld after his head._ It had never bothered her then, because to her her colonel, _general,_ had been invinvible. He'd cheated death so many times, over the years she'd begun to believe he would always be there. For the team, for the world... for her. But then her world had crashed down around her in only seconds.

"There's a ceremony at the SGC tomorrow morning," Daniel murmered, his hand still supporting Sam's arm. His face was also lined with wet tears, and somehow that gave her a little strength. At least to keep breathing. Because right now, nothing sounded better than to just- stop existing. If Jack had stopped existing, for her to stop existing as well gave her a way to be with him. As ridiculous as her thoughts had become, the instability right now wasn't letting her think straight. Daniel continued. "I don't know... it might be hard for you, for _us_... but they'd like us to say some words. About _Jack_." Daniel choked again, and his fingers dug into Carter's shoulder with the sudden emotion. He quickly dropped his arm to his side. "But if you need more time, then do whatever you need to do." He gazed at her with clear blue eyes, crystal colored and filled with pain. Sam nodded quickly, afraid that if she said anything she'd break apart. Daniel stood by her shoulder a little longer and then, with one last gaze at her, he moved away towards yet another of the air force personel from Jack's past that had come to pay their respects. Carter felt a rush of gratefulness, then the pain came surging back and her chest constricted. It overwhelmed her to see how many people had been touched somehow, someway, by Jack O'Neill. He'd been an incredible C.O., friend, leader, fellow warrior, and even something more on occasion.

She never wanted this pain to end. Because as long as she had the pain, she had _something._


End file.
